Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.
Question 45:
My question is about BDSM while pregnant. Neither my husband or I are into much S&M since we don’t care for pain that often, but we do like some hard sex, spanking, and choking me. I found out I’m pregnant around Thanksgiving and was wondering if you had any advice on being safe? I don’t want to harm the baby but I also don’t want to cut out this part of our relationship completely (especially since he has a pregnant fetish). Any advice or words of wisdom?
I want to preface this with “I am not a doctor.” It might actually be a good idea to be open with your doctor about your sexuality and ask him or her what they feel is the best course of action. You might be pleasantly surprised by their reaction. There are some risks, of course. You have to do what you feel is best. But you could feel the doc out before telling them everything by asking what they think about erotic spanking, or whatever.
A lot of my advice will be based on my own experiences with rough sex and pregnancy (I didn’t actually participate in what most people consider BDSM until after my youngest child was born), and some information I’ve found in various sources.
A lot of this is going to sound like common sense.
To start, you want to tailor any relationship and/or bedroom protocols to the needs of your now pregnant body. So for example, if you have bathroom rules, and your husband is busier than the average bear, it might be a good idea to curb that until after the baby is born. If you kneel a lot, that might not be comfortable for you anymore.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was tired all of the time. I would wake up ten minutes before I had to leave for school and sleep through at least one class. When I got home, I had to restrict myself to one hour of homework because I couldn’t concentrate on anything more than that, and I’d be asleep within fifteen minutes of putting my books away. I didn’t always wake up for dinner. Slept straight through till morning. So if service is a thing you do, you may have to cut back a little so you can get some rest.
Some of the bigger concerns, though, are related to belly care. Of course you know that there should be no hitting or extreme pressure of any kind around your belly. I would avoid any bondage in this area, and especially tight bondage. I have seen some beautiful images of pregnant women wearing very loose Shibari ties. Naturally, this decision is between you and your partner, but I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
You also want to be more careful around the extremities, since swollen wrists and ankles often come with the gig. Any leather or metal restraints might need to be buckled on a little looser, and you should keep a close watch for loss of circulation.
With regard to spanking, as long as it is restricted to the buttocks and thighs, and isn’t super extreme, you should be okay. You’re going to want to be careful of positioning, of course. There may also be some concerns with adrenaline spikes, and blood pressure spikes, and such, so just listen to your body. If you get dizzy or lightheaded in a non-subspace kind of way, or if anything feels “wrong,” stop what you’re doing immediately. Maybe ask your doctor about the adrenaline/blood pressure spikes. “Why aren’t pregnant people allowed on roller coasters? Is it the adrenaline spikes?”
I’m told Liberator gear is really great for helping pregnant bodies hold positions without extra stress on the body, and aid in comfort. I personally own the Liberator Wedge, Ramp, Flip Ramp, as well as a few other pieces, and I can say that they definitely aid in comfort when you have extra weight, or any sort of joint issues (which I had while I was pregnant). Liberator’s Black Label comes with really great restraints that are super soft and cushy, and are held closed with rather strong velcro. Because of how soft they are, they don’t cut off circulation like my leather cuffs and rope tend to do, so they’d be great for bondage during pregnancy.
Breath play brings up a whole other set of concerns, like not getting enough oxygen for the baby, and a body’s reaction to oxygen deprivation. I’ve seen varying opinions around the web. Some people say it’s okay in light doses. Others say stop it altogether. Personally, I don’t think breath play is a good idea, but again, this is a decision for you and your husband to make.
How rough sex (and all of this, really) will affect your baby depends entirely on your body and your baby. Sex is pretty much always rough with me. I like it hard and fast. It didn’t affect any of my pregnancies. But a friend of mine had rough sex early in her pregnancy and had a miscarriage.
All of my advice aside, if you’re considered “high risk,” you really need to bring the topic of rough sex to your doctor. You don’t have to frame it as “BDSM”. You can literally just say, “We like it hard and fast, and we’re worried about how this will affect the baby.” There’s not a human alive who’d misconstrue that.