Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.
Question 63:
I’ve been interested in kink for a while. I finally got up the courage to poke around on Fetlife and see if I could find someone I’d be interested in playing with, and pretty quickly found a potential partner. But then I told him that I have a physical disability, and he told me that I can’t participate in kink. Without disclosing too much of my medical history, I can tell you that my disability doesn’t limit my day-to-day activities, but does limit the amount of time I can be bound before I find myself in excruciating pain. I know this from experiments with self bondage. But I still want to pursue BDSM. Can I do that, or is it somehow against the rules?
Honey, you can do whatever the fuck you want with your body, and don’t let anybody tell you any different.
But stay away from that guy because he obviously isn’t comfortable with playing with someone with a disability. I mean, maybe he could be, eventually, with some patience and practice. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to go through all that, and really, that’s his right. It’s shitty, and sort of ableist, but…I mean, do you really want to be topped by someone who doesn’t want to top you? I don’t.
And probably, you weren’t even considering trying to talk that guy into topping you, anyway. It just needed to be said in case someone in a similar situation is trying to talk someone into topping them.
I think the most important thing, here, is to learn your limitations and convey them to any potential partners. You already know that being bound for long periods of time causes the bad kind of pain, so you would want to make sure anyone you play with knows that. Other things you’ll want to learn about yourself is your pain tolerance, areas on your body that are more fragile than other people’s bodies might be, any complications your ailment could bring up in an emergency, any possible emergencies that could be caused by your condition. Make sure you discuss these things with potential partners before any scene and work out a communication system.
Some would suggest trying to find a play partner who is experienced in playing with someone with physical disabilities, and maybe someone who’s had a partner with your specific disability. This way, they will already have an idea of any extra safety precautions to take.
You might want to talk to your doctor, as well, to discuss any potential dangers they see in you being bound, or whipped, or whatever else you want to do.
Maybe pick up some products that will make sex and kink a little easier on your body, like some Liberator shapes. The Wedge/Ramp Combo seems to be the most popular for people I know who need assistance in holding positions or not putting too much pressure on joints. We have it, and we absolutely adore it.
But don’t let anyone tell you you can’t enjoy any kind of kinky sex. That’s just bull.